So what is “Positive Parenting?” Let’s just suggest this as a definition: “Encouraging the behavior you want by rewarding it when you see it… rather than only punishing or negatively commenting on problem behavior.” I know that this is a bit over simplistic. But it will suffice.
If this is where the Positive Parenting movement begun in the 80’s ended, I would be fine with it. However, the encouragement thing went a little too far. Johnny got a trophy just for showing up on the soccer field. When he missed the ball he heard, “nice try Johnny.” When he got a poor grade on a test he heard, “did you try Johnny?” If he answered “yes,” he heard “great” from his parent.
The problem here is that no one held little Johnny accountable. There were no consequences to poor performance. Our success in the world isn’t only contingent on effort. Although effort is certainly important. I’m all for positive parenting and encouraging our kids. And sometimes we need to push them a little. We need to expect a little more. The rest of the world doesn’t love your children. We aren’t giving your children a trophy for showing up. We expect performance. It would help them if you would teach them to have some performance expectations of themselves. They’ll thank you later in life.
So remember, reward, reward reward. Give encouragement. Positive praise is most useful when it corresponds to positive performance (and sometimes effort). And have some expectations, please.
Dr. John
Dr John's Parent Success Blog 